Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme