me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏