Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
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*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
want me to check your oil?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.