I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
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My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Hero horse inspires millions
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then