I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
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Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.