Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
#parenting
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.