No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
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Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Hard not to take this personally
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…