“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
You Might Also Like
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
looks legit
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo