my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
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Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel