Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
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Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.