Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
awkward
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
It’s an epidemic…
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.