Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.