Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Mmmm canned fish.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball