My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Ovenable?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”