Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Autocorrect completely socks
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.