Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
this could fix me
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder