i guess his teacher was really pissed
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JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David