I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!