I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.