Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted