In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Personal question. #JustSaying
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.