Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
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COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?