me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
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CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.