I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
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Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
This is I, Robot all over again
Can Happiness buy money?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda