a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Gemma Correll
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter