[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch