“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
North and South
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.