My ideal weight is five million dollars
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Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that