My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
You Might Also Like
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons