You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
sry
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Aaaa…CHOO!
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.