Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
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I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.