Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
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My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Have kids, they said
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.