“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My birthstone is kidney
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.