Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.