You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.