Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
why no one uses midhusbands
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first