So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky