All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.