I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson