Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day