If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.