I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
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As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
it’s either covid or clever vampires
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea