I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
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If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.