” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
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“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
need him
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.