The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
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So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread