judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Always the camel, never the toe.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.