Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
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What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
twitter is a journey
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.