Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
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Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
#parenting
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent