I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
What about a To-Don’t List?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I’m having an out of money experience.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
first you must answer his riddles