Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”